Good Valetine's Day to all my attached sista and brotha's friends.
I'm really happy for you. I'm still single, but happy. Mhmm. Living my life like's it's Golden as Jill Scott said to do, Recognizing A Woman's Worth, per Alicia Keys, and yes, I heard Fantasia when she said, I Ain't Gon' Beg You, and realized I wasn't the woman in Good Mourning, by my girl India.Arie.
I don't have a man but I still felt the need for Valentine's Day presents.
Since I watched the Montel Williams show earlier this month and LL Cool J was a guest, he said if you stay off your vice for 21 days you'll kick it, so I decided to kick candy. Okay, I've heard this before, but when LL tells you something and then licks his lips, well. . .I mean goodness, it's memorable.
So here's my confession: My name is Carmen and I'm a sugaraholic--cheap candy like Smarties and Swedish Fish are my weakness. It's been 11 days since my last fix. Yes, there are tears in my eyes. Withdrawl is a bitch!
So anyway back to why I'm so bitter--ly happy for all of you coupled people.
I believe in celebrating holidays sans a man, so I went out and bought myself a teddy bear, some cake mix and a flower. No, I wasn't using them all at the same time, but whatever to you pervs out there.
I came home, had a cupcake, threw the rest away, put on India.Arie and danced with my six inch bear with my flower in my hair.
Then I decided to read my email. Who knows. Maybe someone saw me dancing and wanted me for a video. Even I'm laughing at that.
I have to say this first. I love my friends. I think they hate me.
My sista-friend, in the trenches, need some hardcore advice givin', I will dial 911 really fast if a man in a bad wig is following you through Nordstrom's about to rob you, travelin' the world with you, dear Femme Fantastik friend Lori Bryant-Woolridge sends me some hater mail.
Yes, dammit, I said it right, hater mail. I was shocked. My slim-fast bar fell from my mouth. What had I done to illicit mail that began,
Weapons of Mass Seduction, Unleashing the Sensual You.
It's kind of like the record Chante's Got a Man at Home. What the Hell?? Don't brag **tch. The rest of us got bears, but we ain't singin about it!
I looked at the bear and said, "You squeal that my orange polka pajama top and checkered blue bottoms don't match?" The bear fell over. Bastard.
Lori's note to me is below and once you read it, you will understand my replies.
WMS Rules for Creating A Red Hot Night by Lori Bryant Woolridge
'Tis the season for creating Red Hot Nights for romance and I thought I'd pass on some red hot rules for sensual entertaining. Every Weapon of Mass Seduction knows that:
1) To Thine Own Self Be True. At the core of a truly sensual woman is confidence in her authentic self. The evening you create should be driven first by your own comfort and enjoyment.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: To Thine Own Self Be True--plan for major orgasms alone. Clean all vibrators.
Lori- 2) Senses Rule. Every aspect of your special evening should be planned according to your senses. Every sight, sound, smell, taste and touch should be pleasurable.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Senses Rule-snap a pair of worn panties on your head. Intoxicating!
Lori-3) Anticipation is Everything. Stay one step ahead. Maintain the mystery and you'll surely maintain your lover's interest (and gratitude)!
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Anticipation is Everything-The batteries don't hold enough charge for all night loving. Buy more! And stay one step ahead--lock the damn door. The kids don't need to see you smackin' your own ass.
Lori-4) Drown Yourself in Pleasure. Not libations or food. You will negate all of your hard work and pleasure if you allow yourself or your lover to drink or eat too much.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Drown Yourself in Pleasure-Don't shower and prove you got a lover to the haters at work. Just wear more perfume, baby.
Lori-5) Be Flexible. Anticipation will bring your evening alive. Expectations will kill it. Remember one of the joys of living a sensual life is living in the moment and reveling in life as it comes. Plan your evening and then see where it takes you.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Be Flexible-You got skills, use 'em. The knee over the belly fat orgasm, priceless!
Lori Says-A Red Hot Night is an amazing way to celebrate Valentines or a birthday or anniversary, but what makes a night like this really hot, is when it comes out of the blue for no reason other than to make your lover feel special.Learn how to 'host' a red hot night from invitations to decadent dining ideas in Weapons Of Mass Seduction, a new novel by bestselling author, Lori Bryant-Woolridge. Part flirt-manual, part fiction, it is truly a novel to Unleash the Sensual You. Coming April 17, 2007. In the meantime, visit www.Weapons-of-Mass-Seduction.blogspot.com for more sensual living (and loving) tips.
www.loribryantwoolridge.com
Carmen's Rebuttal-Yeah, what the hell ever. Happy dag-on Valentine's Day.
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4 comments:
Great minds think alike, I guess. Check out our blog for The Book Squad (http://thebooksquad.blogspot.com) and today's entry -- mine -- for Blogging in Black (www.blogginginblack.com)
Carmen Green,
You are one crazy girl. Do you have video of you dancing in mix matched pj's with flowers in your hair while a teddy bear watches? Sounds like must see tv.
Carmen, You's a fool girl. Are we a little bitter? Valentine's is over rated anyway because after the loving is over the chocolate still stays on your ass....
Oh Carm . . . obviously you're going through serious Candy Withdrawal. Perhaps you should go back on, but just one. Just enough to calm those frayed nerves.
Put the vibrator down, honey, and step back from that Valentine's Ledge.
Oh, and thanks for making me snort coffee through my nose when you got to the part about locking the door so the kids don't see you smacking your own ass . . . I really needed that.
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