Soul Obligation

The Day The Words Came Back

Recently I suffered from grief so badly, I couldn’t write. My mother passed away and 93 short days later, my grandmother. It was as if the words I desperately needed to fulfill my Soul Obligation vaporized under my tears.

For all of you that don’t know what a Soul Obligation is, it’s the words that I must say or write everyday, that if unborn, will come out in my sleep. (You may all stop wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend, as this is my reason. Who can stand all that yammering?)
I talk a lot. Mostly to myself, but I have get the words out. Most times my talking is within the structure of a story, but when not written, I’ll yell at a dog, (I don’t have pets) shoo a bird for eating my grass seed or sing to my plants. Yes, I can sing, but not well. But the words must come.
Weeks passed and I couldn’t write. I’d stare out the window and try to describe clouds and end up asleep in bed. Goodness knows how that happened, but it did for days. Friends would call and want to take me out to eat, but I didn’t go. I needed to write. I’d sit in front of my computer and stare at words in the dictionary and type definitions, but they weren’t my words. I was borrowing them from Webster’s.

Then I decided to give up on writing. I thought, What The Hell?
Could I do such a thing? Me, Carmen Green give up writing? What would I do all day? Holler at the rooster that crows every morning? (Yes, I live in Georgia, there is a rooster down the street, so I guess that means that I’m a confirmed Yahoo.)
Could I give up my passion for who knows how long? Maybe never see it again?
Well, I could and I did. My Soul Obligation ceased to move.
For the first couple days I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I gardened. I built a retaining wall, then took to my bed. My rheumatoid didn’t like that activity. Then I started wiping things down. I swiffered. My house sparkled.
I grew restless. I got snarky with the kids. I ate and ate and ate. I slept and slept, and drove across the country several times.
Then I started reading. Journaling things that have absolutely nothing to do with making money. Weeks passed and I read some more, and to my surprise, people kept putting pens in my hand. Lori, Carm, I need this from you. Bryant, Carmen, write this. Tina, Mom, sign the bills. Carla, let’s go to Starbucks and write. Karen, read, sweetie, but write to me later. Bryant and Whitney and Madeenah and Lori and Karen and Carla, you don’t have to write right now, but when you’re ready the words will come, and with that, I sat down and wrote my first sentences.
Initially, they were a discombobulated mess. They didn’t connect to the stories in my mind, but then I stopped trying to fit them into the books I was writing and just wrote them. Eventually, they found their place.
To this day my Soul Obligation flows like a cup runneth over. I’m filled with stories and ideas and words I can’t find space for. My body and mind are in sync, at least when it comes to writing. I finished a book! And I write. I grieve a little more and a little less, and I write. I’ve found through adversity there is humanity and life. Now I write about it. I’m glad to be back. Please join me on this journey. I've got a lot to say so. . .stay tuned.
Carmen